It is quiet at this new location. View is nice out my back windows of the brook and the apple orchard and historic Foster Hill where King Philip held the settlers under siege. My front windows overlook the gazebo where I will surely sit and paint if summer ever comes. My porch is next to a garden where I have peachy, salmon and coral flowers. And 1 black petunia. Yes it is black. Not dark purple. Who would plant black flowers? They are all baby sized right now. I’ll take pix when they are showier.
Today I am going to the memorial service of my first husband, my children’s father. I was graciously invited by his wife of many years. She is a lovely woman and my children like her very much.
This is a time of reflection. Not of what might have been, I was over that years ago, but of our relationship before and during our marriage. Two people definitely attracted to each other but not suited in personality. Times and mores were different back then. I would think that living together nowadays would result in less divorce but it doesn’t. I don’t know why. The roles way -back- when, were more defined. A woman might work after she got married but when a baby arrived she stayed home and took care of it. (not always possible but that was unusual). I, and most women I knew, didn’t sit around watching soaps and eating bonbons. They were crazy busy after the chores of washing, cleaning, ironing (not if I could help it) making clothes, curtains, shopping for food because women cooked in those days, ,did volunteer work, delivering kids to whatever sport, or cub scouts or taking them swimming or museum, Sunday school, cooking a-sit down at the table, not the tv, dinner. Most families had a big dinner all together on Sunday. Sunday morning was for church not sports or shopping,( stores were closed) then you came home and read the funnies until dinner was ready. Dinner was at 1 at my house growing up and after I was married. When I was first married we lived in a fifth floor walkup in Boston’s Kenmore Sq. area. Couldn’t keep the coal dust out the windows leaked so bad. It was $92 a month. Yeh, the dark ages. Studio apts downtown on Marlboro Street were asking $125! I was working downtown in the financial district and got $65. a week. You had to have a college degree with my job in the insurance company. I could have taken a job using my art degree drawing specimens from looking in a microscope but it only paid $44. a wk. I was supporting my husband and myself while he was working on his doctorate. I got a PHT degree from MIT. Pushing Hubby Through. We started a family and moved to Winchester to an apt in a 2 family. We had zip. I had my mothers old Easy washer where I hauled the clothes from the washer to the wringer to the set tub to rinse and back to the wringer and hung them out. If it was raining hung them in the kitchen or the basement. Imagine ducking under a line of diapers while you are cooking? Then our landlady redid the kitchen and put in cabinets and a stainless steel sink and a dishwasher. Then we got a dryer at a scratch and dent place. We fixed up the apt ourselves where we learned how to remove 6 layers of wallpaper with a steamer. We learned to paint and I learned to make curtains and sew kids clothes and knit booties and cook. Julia Child taught us on TV. I started watching Days of Our Lives while I was nursing my kids. I got a bike for a birthday with a child seat on the back. I could go downtown and shop. Many people only had one car. We spent the entire paycheck every two weeks on food, rent, gas, utilities, a few miscellaneous item, movies at a drive in where you took your babies and they slept in the car bed. We slowly saved a little for a downpayment for a house. The struggle may have held us together. When things got easier and I had time to breathe I took a look at the situation and wasn’t crazy about it. A simplistic answer but essential. It is not about having things. I know that. The problem is that if you think things will be better once you have a dryer or a car of your own or money to buy clothes and things, it won’t.
I went to a dating seminar once a longtime ago. The psychologist said ‘you need to be with some one who has the same principles and moral values as you. You need to think of a marriage as a corporation. You work to keep the corporation sound. A short and long term plan with annual performance review (, budget, human resources -strengths of each employee (no nitpicking without considering if that person were suddenly dead, how important in the scheme of things is the pick), dedication to the firm compared to outside job, integrity, no outside infiltration (criticism not allowed from in laws, friends), no spending of the principal from the treasury without a board meeting . This is all silly except each is important. The most important one I missed here and that is communication with honesty without fear of reprisal.